so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
