Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
