When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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