grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
