So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize
