I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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