Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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