I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
