dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
