i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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