Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
