You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
