bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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