so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
