Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
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