im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
