I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
