I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
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She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize