Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Randomize
