separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
