I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
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Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
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My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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