Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
