She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
