i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
