lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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