I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
