Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
