Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
