he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
