Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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