he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
