We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Randomize
