Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
