Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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