Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
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