dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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