I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
