his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
