and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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