i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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