the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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