It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
