i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
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