I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Randomize
