when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Randomize
