Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Randomize
