I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
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