You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
