Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
