i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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