if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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