season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
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