He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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