I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize