I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
