i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize