The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
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i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
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Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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