I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
