I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
