Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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