Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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