Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
