giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
