if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
