life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
