he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
